December 13, 2022
Lord, Do You See Me?
Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy. Those who go out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with them.” Psalms 126:5-6
I recently heard a preacher teach about Leah, the wife of Jacob in Genesis 29. Leah was not loved like Rachel, her younger, beautiful sister. Her father, Laban, tricked Jacob into marrying Leah. Jacob loved Rachel. He worked for Laban for her hand in marriage for a total of 14 years. She was his chosen love. Where does that leave Leah? The consolation prize?
I confess I often feel like Leah. I had never related to her story before. But now as a divorced, single mom I relate to her more than I would like to admit. The name Leah is of Hebrew origin. It means “delicate” or “weary.” While I don’t usually consider myself either of these, I do feel “weary” on a daily basis trying to balance my life, work, family, and relationships. I often feel “delicate” trying to measure up to expectations I have put on myself or from others. I know what it’s like to not be the chosen one in so many circumstances throughout my life. I have found myself asking God, “Do you see me? Do you see my heart ache?”
God knew Leah’s affliction of being unloved. God knew Leah. She turned to Him during her times of trial with faith and devotion. In Genesis 29:31, we see that God had compassion on Leah. “When the Lord saw that Leah was unloved, He opened her womb; but Rachel was barren.” God blessed Leah with 6 sons and 1 daughter. Having so many sons was a true blessing in those days. God blessed Leah richly. Genesis 29:16 says she had “weak” eyes but God had His eyes on her for her entire life.
I have been richly blessed as well. There are still some residual effects of the hardest time of my life. It has been almost 6 years but God has remained steadfast throughout all of it. I can look back and see God’s hand through it all. Even in times of disappointment and hurt, I know now God was protecting me. He has always protected me and I believe he always will. I still struggle with what the future holds for me. I think the hardest thing for me is to trust God’s timing in my life. I’ve always been a read the last page of the book kind of girl because I can’t stand the suspense. I want to know that everything will be ok. Once I know it will, I can enjoy the book so much more through the conflict and struggles. In real life I don’t have that option. I do hear God regularly and what he regularly says to me is “Be patient.” He does truly know me.
The Psalmist provides a great reminder of patience in Psalms 129:5-6. “Those who sow with tears will reap with the songs of Joy. Those who go out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with them.” God can bring good out of heart ache. He can bring beauty from ashes and pain.
While Leah didn’t feel the same love from Jacob that Rachel did, God saw her and blessed her. When her first three sons were born she thought for sure Jacob would love her more. When her fourth was born, she praised God instead. She named him Judah which means “praise.” This was the same Judah in the genealogy of Jesus Christ. Which means not only Jacob and Judah were direct ancestors of Christ, but so was Leah. God Saw Her. During her times of struggle and hurt could she have imagined being in the direct line of Jesus, God’s only Son? God’s plan was so good, in His perfect timing. God SAW Her. I believe with all of my heart that the same God that saw Leah sees me too. I look forward to the perfect plan he has for me. But oh, I must learn to trust his timing and not skip to the end of the book.
June 7, 2022
Praise Without Inhibition
The Lord your God is with you,
The Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
In his love he will no longer rebuke you,
But will rejoice over you with singing.”
Zephaniah 3:17
Transparency has always been one of my strengths so I will be very transparent. My life has been so busy the past few months. Family, work, friends, my home have all taken the place of where God should be. I am ashamed to admit I have gone days without opening my Bible. I’ll pick it up on Sunday morning from the place I set it down the previous Sunday when I returned from church. I have not had the desire to write in my blog for months either. Yet, I want to hear God’s voice.
Having grown up in a very conservative church setting, hearing God’s voice is controversial. The churches I attended for 50+ years have a very stoic, very traditional service. I recently started attending different types of churches. There are worship music groups that have changed the way I worship. I love the music so much and feel my soul moving when I sing along. I love to watch others worship and praise God during church. My favorite person to worship with is my boyfriend. It always feel funny to call him that as we are both in our mid 50’s. He loves to worship and praise God. I love how uninhibited he and others are when they raise their hands in praise. As much as I want to, I can’t do it.
This morning I was talking about my experience with a friend who attended the same service at another campus. She said it reminded her of how a child learns to fill a water cup. He starts out with a small pitcher and plastic cup and gradually increases the amount poured until they are able to fill a regular sized glass with a regular sized pitcher. I am currently in the process between the plastic cup and the large glass.
God is taking me through that process right now. It is my journey. To know and worship him without inhibition. I’ve had to open my heart and mind on things I was never taught. I’ve used oils and prayed for demons to leave my home and be replaced by peace. This was NOT something that was done in my childhood home. I was not taught about the Holy Spirit but I FEEL the Holy Spirit within me now. It was something I had to learn and has been part of my journey. I feel the Holy Spirit when I worship now. I’ll sway to the music and hold my hands to my heart but they just won’t go up. I recently found a TicToc video of a woman struggling with the same thing. While it was funny watching her praise in the car but not at church it hit a nerve with me.
Last night I took the more recent steps in my journey. My boyfriend and I attended a Presbytery service at the church we have been attending. I had never attended a service like this where prophets spoke prophetic words to people in the audience. I kept thinking, “Will I get a word? Will God have something special to say to me tonight?” For someone who craves to hear God’s voice, I felt compelled to attend this service.
The service started with worship music. I felt the Holy Spirit in the room like never before. We sang a song called “Make Room.” I think this song was written for people like me, on this journey. I know I can’t be the only one. These are the lyrics that spoke to me:
Shake up the ground of all my tradition
Break down the walls of all my religion
Your way is better….
Before the end of the song service I was physically on my knees crying. Then the prophetic portion started. I was so completely moved. I kept thinking, am I special enough to get a word? I didn’t get a word from the prophets but I did from my boyfriend. He had texted me a beautiful message from God while I was on my knees. God knew it needed to come from him rather than a stranger. The whole experience left me so confused and emotional. I walked out crying and couldn’t stop crying for almost an hour after. It took me that long to process the experience and understand what I was feeling. I asked God to talk to me through scripture after I returned home last night. He led me to a verse he leads me to often; Zephaniah 3:17. God takes delight in me. I forget that too much. I am his daughter and he loves me. I know my traditional church friends will not understand and think I’ve gone off the religious deep end. But, this is my journey with the Holy Trinity – God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit.
Tonight I plan to attend another presbytery service. If you see me, I probably won’t have my hands up but I may be on my knees again. If you ever see me worship and sing with my hands raised, please come worship with me.
February 21, 2022
The Greatest of Friends
When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in his spirit and greatly troubled. ~ John 11: 33
The older I get the more I reflect on my life. I’ve recently realized one of the saddest things about getting older is looking back at the friends that have come and gone from my life. When I was in my 20s, I had a good friend I met at work. We talked constantly and had great times together. We were both young and married. She started having kids while my ex-husband and I waited to start our family. We grew apart and I haven’t spoken to her in about 30 years. I think about her though and wonder what happened to her. I had another friend, a best friend. We were friends for years, but my ex-husband did not like her. He though I was too good for her. I never agreed with him, but I did walk away from the friendship. I have regretted this over the years and even tried to find her a couple of years ago on social media, after my divorce. I didn’t find her.
Then there was my friend and confidant that knew everything about me. She walked with me through the hospital where we worked to the pharmacy to buy a pregnancy test. She stood outside the bathroom stall waiting for me and stood by me as we waited for the purple line to appear to let me know my first born was on the way. She was the first to know, even before my ex-husband knew. But again, we grew apart.
But I have been richly blessed when it comes to friendships. When I moved to a small East Texas town God started putting friends in my life. Friends I would come to depend on during my darkest days of separation and divorce. I had my beloved book club that walked every step of the way with me. On any given day, there was a friend somewhere in the hospital I worked I could go visit for a pep talk when I needed it. I had my sister during this time. I can’t imagine going through my life without her. She was part of my “core.” I had 3 others in my “core.” I love them all but for various reasons, we are not as close. One is crazy busy with her family. One walked away from our friendship when I tried to open up to her about some of the feelings I was having. My heart still breaks over this. The other is not returning my texts. I am praying for her as she has been hit hard by life. I am forever grateful for them, and I hope we share that closeness again someday.
As previously mentioned, I have been richly blessed when it comes to friendships. God has placed new people in my life recently. Of course, I still have my book club friends. There are new friends I met at work as well as one that God brought back into my life. I have been reacquainted with cousins I call friends. There is my new group from my new church, called my Community Group. And, God has brought a new, special friend into my life and he is teaching me to love again.
God has put all of these, and many others not mentioned in my life at specific times. But the one steadfast friend is Jesus. He has always been there for me, even when I was not looking for him. I can look back at times in my life now and know he has been there all along. He’s my provider, my protector, my comforter, my counselor. He has been a best friend to all. I am reminded of the old hymn, “What a Friend We Have in Jesus.” These are the words to the last stanza:
Can we find a friend so faithful, who will all our sorrows share? Jesus knows our every weakness, take it to the Lord in prayer
Early this morning, the Holy Spirit led me to the story of Lazarus in John 11. Jesus’s friend died. Mary and Martha were beside themselves with grief and wondering why Jesus had not been there to heal their brother. Jesus shared in their grief. Verse 13 says he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. He wept. He wept for and with his friends. I believe that Jesus was there weeping for me as well throughout difficult times in my life. He was there when my parent’s died, weeping with me. He was there when friendships ended, weeping with me. He was there with me through my divorce, weeping with me.
For those who don’t know how the story ends, verse 43 reads that Jesus called out in a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out!” and HE DID. Jesus rose Lazarus from the dead. And he rose me from the dead, not literally but figuratively, when he died on the cross. He redeemed me. He loves me. He died for me.
Then Jesus said, “Did I not tell you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?” (Verse 40) I see the glory of God every day in all things and especially through the people God has put into my life. I know friends will continue to come and go in my life, but Jesus will ALWAYS be with me.
January 11, 2022
I Am Washed and Sanctified
But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God. 1 Corinthians 6:11 (b)
Last week I found out that someone I have known my entire life, a relative that I was once very close to was saying very hurtful things about me behind my back. I’m not talking hurtful as in she was making fun of my clothes or hair or even my personality. She was speaking negatively against me as a mother. I believe the words were, “….is a bad mother and she has no business mothering (insert my daughter’s name).” Wait just a minute! I haven’t spoken to this person in over a year! “How dare they… “they don’t know what’s going on” … “they have their own issues to worry about” …These are the thoughts that have been going through my head since I found out about this wrong done against me.
“This wrong done against me.” Hmm. It would be considered gossip at the very least. Gossip is a sin. It’s not the first time someone has done something wrong against me. It’s not even the first time someone has gossiped about me. And gossip is a sin. Let’s see…there has also been anger against me. Quick to anger is a sin. There has been pride thrown in the mix. Pride is a sin. There has been adultery. Adultery is a big sin. I can so easily classify levels and varying degrees of sin. Some are just barely a sin while others are really bad ones.
Luckily, it’s not up to me or anyone else on this earth to judge other’s sins. I’ve got my own to worry about. Wait, is worry a sin? I’ve been just as guilty as the next person when it comes to gossip, quick to anger, pride, envy and worry. I have not been guilty of a “big sin” like murder, but it doesn’t matter to God. It’s all the same to him. My quick to anger is right up there with murder in His eyes.
Britannica defines sin as moral evil as considered from a religious standpoint. It is the deliberate and purposeful violation of the will of God. Deliberate and purposeful? That seems very harsh. I don’t set out to purposefully sin daily, but I do anyway. I am human. But I’m also redeemed, by Christ.
Twice this past week, the Holy Spirit has led me to 1 Corinthians 6. Verse 8 and following reads: Instead, you yourselves cheat and do wrong, and you do this to your brothers and sisters. 9 Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who have sex with men, 10 nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor slanderers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. 11 And that’s what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God (NIV).
This was written by Paul to the church in Corinth. The Christians in the city were surrounded by a corrupt society full of idolatry and immorality, not unlike our society today. Paul, who once persecuted Christians, was reminding Christ’s followers that they were washed and sanctified after living a life of sin. I say this because we are all sinners if we are human. I am not Paul, but can God still use my sinful self for His glory? God used sinners in the blood line of Jesus. He used Saul, the persecutor, before he became Paul. He used Matthew, the tax collector. He used Peter, who denied Christ three times. The list goes on.
I don’t know exactly how God will use me yet. I’m still waiting for Him to finish my story. I have a small tattoo on my wrist that is a simple cross and semi-colon. I get asked about it often. I just smile and say that it reminds me that through Christ my story is not over, it is still continuing. I’ll still sin, others will sin against me, but God forgives us all and Christ died for our sins and to wash us clean. My word for 2022 will be ‘sanctification,’ the process of being set apart, made holy, full of the Holy Spirit of God. What an amazing goal for a sinner who wants to glorify God!
December 24, 2021
New Year, New Morning
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.”
Lamentations 3: 22-24
My life has been so hectic the past several weeks. I have not slowed down for hardly even a day. It is now Christmas Eve and I’m not entirely convinced my shopping is done and I still have presents to wrap. My kids are grown so we don’t have to put out reindeer food, milk and cookies for Santa or say goodbye to the Elf. Christmas instead will be a day of sleeping late, coffee, presents, movies and making my Granny’s cinnamon rolls with my kids. It will also be a day of quiet, rest and reflection. I will be reflecting on the past year I’m sure. It was an emotional roller coaster for me but it was a year of growth. I did not even celebrate Christmas last year. I never decorated my house and woke up for the first time ever in my life by myself on Christmas morning, no one else in my house but me, the dog and 2 cats. I started the New Year grieving my dad, spring brought warmth as I started landscaping my back yard and working on my outdoor living area. Summer was fun-filled as we enjoyed our first full summer with a pool. I was on an emotional high as I started writing my blog during this past summer. But the high came to a peak as August, September and October brought on depression. It came on suddenly, triggered by disturbing news, and set me back emotionally. Through counseling, prayer and medication I came out of the depression. God carried me during each of these seasons, each peak and each valley. I started coming out of the depression because I realized His love for me is real and He continues to carry me as my strength endures. My trust and hope in Him are my life line.
The struggles of life have been ongoing since the beginning, starting with the fall of Adam and Eve. In Lamentations, Jeremiah is lamenting over the destruction of Jerusalem and the punishment God was inflicting on the sinful Israel nation. Yet he still had hope for the future because of God’s never ending love. God is a sovereign God. He is in control and His ways are good. Jeremiah knew this without a doubt and knowing this provided his hope with the coming of the new morning. I think Jeremiah thrived on this hope. What else did he have to hold on to as Jerusalem fell at the feet of Babylon? He prophesized the destruction, lamented it and knew God carried out his promises. I too know God carries out his promises. I know that because Jesus Christ walked this earth. Jesus was not about death and destruction, except for his own death. He was about life and love.
Tonight and tomorrow we celebrate the birth of Jesus. I’ve read the exact date of his birth is not really known. But the world will come together for this time to celebrate His life on earth. We hope for peace on earth and good will toward men. That in itself is a reason to celebrate. I choose to celebrate Jesus daily, his birth and his death. Because of His death, I do have hope and newness every morning. He will carry me through my continued trials and sufferings…like Jeremiah.
As this year comes to a close I want to take what I learned this year to continue to grow in God’s love next year. It will be a year of newness for me. I have a new church, new ministry, and new friends I look forward to getting to know better. I look forward to spending more time with my forever friends and continuing to serve God and others when and where I can. I’m even looking forward to finally getting my garage cleaned out and organized! Most importantly I will remember God’s sovereignty and his promises. I know this life on earth is not perfect and I probably will have more setbacks but I do have hope in Him every morning.
October 11, 2021
There Was Purpose in My Loss
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; Proverbs 3:5
I’m going to admit something that only my closest friends have known about me. For the past 3 months I have suffered from a very depressed state. I have had the symptoms on the checklist; fatigue, inability to concentrate, and sense of worthlessness. I have not written in my blog for weeks, and no one has noticed. I haven’t been to church in weeks, and no one has noticed. I’ve dropped out of a group I had been involved with for a while and no one has noticed. When the occasional person has reached out to me, I have not responded. I have been feeling invisible and unvalued.
I’ve also developed a sense of hopelessness. But why would I feel so hopeless? God has helped me through some very difficult times. He has been my provider, my comforter, my protector, and my counselor. Yet, I cannot shake it and am still struggling with this.
I have thought about what has triggered these feeling. I’ve especially thought about why it has lasted so long. I was used to emotional peaks and valleys. I was proud that my valleys were becoming a shorter duration and they were not nearly as intense as time went on. Until now. One of the realizations that has stemmed from this episode is my lack of trust… in anyone. I had not known I had trust issues. I think it is a fairly recent thing or maybe it has been a cumulative thing that has worsened over time. I lost all sense of trust in a man I was married to for 32 years. I lost trust in friends and family who made promises that they could not keep. I have lost trust in people who have judged me without even attempting to know my story. I have lost trust in our government, but that’s a different topic completely. But most importantly I had lost trust in God. Its no wonder I had a sense of hopelessness.
The Latin word for trust is confido, meaning confidence, assurance, faith, reliance, security. I felt secure in my marriage at once time, for a long time. I felt secure in once valuable relationships that have now ended. And, in the past I have felt secure in God’s plan for me. But recently, I have not even felt that.
I am surrounded by people who have told me that God always keeps his promises. I know that rationally. I’ve told it to others who have struggled with trust. Irrationally, I felt that I was unworthy and that God had other more important things to do and people to take care of than to bother with me and my hurt feelings. I felt I had been put on the back burner.
This past week, I had a heart to heart with God. I had started a Bible Study on Habakkuk. Habakkuk was also struggling and questioning God. In Chapter 1, verse 5 Habakkuk ask God how long he must call for help but he felt like God was not listening. But God was listening. He ANSWERED Habakkuk. He told him to hold on, I’ve got this, and you can’t even imagine what you are going to see.
I want an answer like that from God! If God himself was sitting next to me and answered my pleas, I would trust him. But what I do have is God’s word. And that’s where I went when I was pleading with God to help me with my struggles. I held my Bible in my hand and asked the Holy Spirit to direct me to a passage that He wanted me to see that day. I opened my Bible to Matthew 27. Verse 43 struck me; those that are crucifying our Lord are talking to him as he hung on the cross. They said to him; “He trusts God. Let God rescue him now if he wants him, for he said, “I am the son of God.” Jesus did trust God. He trusted God’s plan for him and for us. He died on the cross. How can I turn my back on that?
There are so many scriptures in the Bible about trust. I can google and come up with my favorites I have read over and over again. I even have a plaque on my bathroom counter with Proverbs 3:5. I bought it years ago to remind me daily to put my trust in him. My eyes don’t even see it anymore as I reach past it for my vitamins or hairbrush. In Psalms 56 vs 3, David wrote, “When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.” David trusted God alone. Jesus trusted God alone. Perhaps it’s my turn to learn to trust God alone.
The day I had my heart-to-heart talk with God has been a turning point for me. I am rebounding slowly. That day, after reading Habakkuk, then Matthew, I prayed to God. I lamented. I cried. Then I heard His words very clearly in my head, “Trust me!” And I answered, “I will God, I will trust YOU!”
August 31, 2021
I’ve Got Joy In My Heart
Sing to the Lord a new song, for he has done marvelous things; his right hand and his holy arm have worked salvation for him. The Lord has made his salvation known and revealed his righteousness to the nations.
Psalm 98:1-2
My life has been an emotional roller coaster the past few weeks. I’ve only had the energy to make it through the day most days. I spent five days visiting with family only to have two emotional breakdowns during those days. I was so happy to see family and for my kids and I to take our yearly family vacation. We had been anticipating and looking forward to the trip for months. I still don’t know why I was so emotional. Maybe it was a combination of things. It could’ve been it was the first time I had seen my sister since my dad passed away at Thanksgiving. It could’ve been I didn’t get to spend any one-on-one time with her. It could’ve been I was still processing some disturbing news I had received via a series of unexpected text messages. Maybe it was a combination of these things as well as other situations going on in my life.
Whatever brought on these emotions does not matter in the big picture of life. What matters is the fact that I was pulling away from God. I still talked with God, prayed and read my Bible but I was no longer feeling his presence. I was emotionally exhausted. I didn’t want to write. I didn’t want to take my evening walks and listen to my Christian music playlist. I felt like God was helping others achieve their goals but not mine. I realize this is very irrational. I realize God never pulled away from me. I also realize God does have plans for me. Satan seriously knows when to attack and he knows which buttons to push on me.
Part of my Bible study each morning is a study written by one of our ministers at church. It is called A Spiritual Journey. Each week focuses on a different topic related to becoming closer to God. This week’s topic is on “Rejoicing.” Each week there are Readings for Reflection on each topic. This morning one of the readings struck me: It was on Joy. Here are some quotes from Henri J. M. Nouwen’s book From Here and Now:
“We are inclined to think that when we are sad we cannot be glad, but in the life of a God-centered person, sorrow and joy can exist together.”
“Joy does not happen to us. We have to choose joy and keep choosing it every day.”
Wow. That hit me hard. Like a ton of bricks.
The Psalmist in Psalm 98 says in verse 1:
“Sing to the Lord a new song, for he has done marvelous things”
God has done marvelous things for me. Really marvelous things. He brought me through the ultimate storm of life. He has brought people into my life at the exact time I needed them. He brought me to a new home that I love. He has provided for me. I have stayed employed throughout the pandemic. He has protected me on the Dallas freeways. He has comforted me when I was and still hurt deeply. The list goes on. How can I not feel Joy?
I know I will continue to have low periods. Times of spiritual warfare will still wreak havoc with me. I’ve been told that is part of my healing journey. I will continue to have low times for a while. I do know that my low times are usually not as low or as intense as they used to be. That shows I am healing. But Satan still likes to creep in and always when I’m low or perhaps that is why I have my down times. Satan is the culprit. He is sneaky and cunning, and I really hate it.
This morning during my prayer time I asked the Holy Spirit to speak to me through scripture. I opened my Bible to Zephaniah 3:17. It’s one of my favorites and the Holy Spirit has led me to this verse on more than one occasion.
The Lord your God is with you, the Might Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you, in his love he will no longer rebuke you but will rejoice over you with singing.
God knows my heart. He hears my laments. He knows Satan likes to pick on me. But I am fighting back to the relationship I previously had with God. I know I will hurt. That is part of being human. But I will trust God despite the hurt. I will continue to seek Joy because tomorrow is a new day, a new song.
August 8, 2021
Learning To Be Still
“Do not conform to the pattern of this world. but be transformed by the renewing of your mind…”
Romans 12:2
I am a very transparent person. What you see if what you get. I wear my heart on my sleeve, as the old expression goes. I am not a person who uses Facebook or Instagram to construct a perfect life. I don’t use filters, although at my age, I probably should. Part of my transparency is sharing struggles I face. Right now, I am struggling with Stillness. My brain is on overdrive… constantly. My prayer time is a struggle because my mind wanders. I can’t seem to find the stillness right now. This has been a struggle that dates back to when I first became separated, then divorced. This started when I started seeking God, to really know God personally.
I live in the Dallas area. My drive to work is on a major freeway that is under construction to make it even bigger. It is dangerous to drive. Every day the lanes are moved, and they are not in a straight line. If I drive it when the sun is shining brightly, you can’t see the lane lines. It can be treacherous at times. Just this morning I was on the way to work as usual. I decided to listen to a playlist I have of healing songs rather than my usual Air1 radio because I was trying to stay centered on God. On my commute, an 18-wheeler started into my lane. I don’t know if it was intentional. His blinker was not on. I had nowhere to go to get out of the way. There was a truck next to me in the other lane and they were against a concrete wall. It was terrifying. But, then all of a sudden, the truck moved back into their own lane, and I was spared, with a rapidly beating heart. I believe God saved me from potential catastrophe. I realized when it was all over, I was listening to Symphony by Switch:
Sometimes it’s hard to breathe All these thoughts they shout at me Try to bring me to my knees And it’s overwhelming Darkness echoes all around Feels like everything is crashing down Still I know where my hope is found And its only You
I need to continue to search for this stillness, to look to my hope: Jesus. For me, stillness in God’s presence is the Holiness I want to achieve. I have a place I go to every morning with my Bible, my current study guide, my scripture journal and my coffee. The only company I have is my Aussie and occasionally 2 black cats. I purposely go to this space because I feel connected with God. It’s my covered patio I recently finished. I give God the glory for this special place. That is why I feel connected to Him there. I have minimal distractions, only my dog that wants me to pet him and my own mind. I have been practicing stillness and disengaging for some time, but I still struggle. Thoughts race through my head while I’m trying to read scripture, pray and meditate on God’s presence. How do I slow this down? I know God is in control of everything, including time, of which I always feel I don’t have enough. My thoughts shift to issues with my kids, something that needs to be done in the house, things I need to do at work, getting my book read for Book Club, how I almost had a major accident on the highway, and the list continues.
This past Sunday, the preacher at my church started a new series; “Out of Your Mind, Breaking the Strongholds of Toxic Thinking.” How timely for me! My distractions have become toxic. He quoted Richard Foster, “Distraction is the primary spiritual problem of our day.” So, it’s not just me! Our society is inundated with distractions. A friend shared his thoughts on John 6:12 with me this week: “On those days Jesus went out to a mountainside to pray and spent the night praying to God.” Jesus had just had a run in with the Pharisees, he was in high demand as people wanted to hear him teach, and his disciples needed his guidance. Yet, Jesus sought God and spent the night praying. If it was important for Jesus to seek God, then it is crucial for me!
In Romans 12:2, Paul is talking about the renewing of the mind and not conforming to the ways of the world. Through the Holy Spirit, I can be renewed. I can find the peace in the madness, a symphony from the chaos as Switch sings about in the song Symphony. The Psalmist David wrote of God making him lie in green pastures, leading him beside quiet waters and restoring his soul in Psalm 23. God can restore my soul; he will lead me to quiet waters he can renew my mind, he can write my symphony. I must learn to be STILL.
July 28, 2021
He Knows My Name
Jesus said to her, “Mary.”
John 20:16
One of the joys of my life is my friendships. I have an amazing support system. People who have my back and look out for me. Some were friends prior to my separation and divorce, like my Book Club. They were my constant support through my divorce. I worked with most of them, so they were there for me during difficult times during the workday. Some, I’ve met since and during my divorce. Some I’ve known for more years than I’ll admit. Recently, I became reacquainted with friends from my past. What an unexpected treat for me! My good friend from ACU contacted me a few months ago via Facebook. We reconnected, spoke on the phone and had 20+ years to catch up on! This past weekend, I had a very spontaneous opportunity to see my best friend from high school at the home where she grew up. How surreal to walk into that house after 35+ years. I had spent as much time there as I did at my own home. It was such a thrill hugging my friend after a very long time. It was like coming home. I also have a strong family support system, with my sister being at the top. I feel confident there would be someone I could call to help in an emergency.
This weekend I did have something happen. It wasn’t an emergency but something that overwhelmed and disturbed me. A series of text messages came to my phone from someone I don’t know that left me completely blindsided. I needed to talk through it and process it. I texted my sister, she called me back almost immediately. I reached out to a friend from book club with a 911 Marco Polo message. She called me immediately. I called my friend from work; she took my call even though she was eating out with her family. I also had friends that God knew I would want to talk to call me that day. The minister from my church that oversees Divorce Care called to discuss the classroom arrangement for our upcoming session in the fall. I was able to talk to him about it for few minutes. A friend I have made from Divorce Care called me later that night to ask me a random question. She stayed on the phone with me for 2 hours helping me process it all. I have a tribe, several tribes in fact, for which I am so grateful.
But honestly, before making all these texts and phone calls, I did reach out to God first. He is my go-to for everything, every hurt, every loss, every fear, every victory. It has become my habit to be in his presence. To let the Holy Spirit lead me to scripture so I can hear God’s voice and He can guide me.
This day I had a lot of people available for me but that has not always been the case. There have been times when due to bad luck, no one was available at the exact time I wanted to talk. Or was it bad luck? Maybe God wanted me to learn to reach out to him first. Maybe he wanted me to learn to lean on Him before reaching out to others. As a friend in Florida often quotes, “In a time of crisis do we first go to the phone or to the Throne?” God loves and cares for me. He cares about the everyday frustrations in my life as well as the big, overwhelming problems that occur in life. He cares about my victories too as they are always through Him. I can call on God in prayer during the difficult as well as the good times in my life and he will always be there.
“Because he loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.” Psalm 91:14
How comforting to me to know that God is so mighty, so caring, so protective of me. He knows my name! Jesus knows my name just as my friends do! When Jesus rose from the grave he appeared to Mary Magdalene. She did not recognize him until he said her name, “Mary.” He said her name.
The last part of Isaiah 43:1 says, “Do not fear for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.” God told this to the Israelites after their sinful past. He loves me and remembers my name despite my sins too.
There was an old hymn we sang in church when I was growing up. “What a Friend we have in Jesus.” I will always remember one of the lyrics, “Oh what peace we often forfeit, oh what needless pain we bear. All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer.” Yes, I value and love my friends and family so immensely. They have been through some really insane times with me over the last 4 years, but so has God. I apparently will continue to go through some insane times. But God will be there. I can rest in his peace knowing this. He is my friend, he is my confidant, he is my source of strength, he is my comforter, he is everything. He knows my name and will always know my name.
July 21, 2021
Seeking My Aquilla
The churches in the province of Asia send you greetings. Aquilla and Priscilla greet you warmly in the Lord, and so does the church that meets at their house.
I Corinthians 16:19
So, I have had a fascination over the past few years with Priscilla and Aquila. I don’t know much about them but this much I do know. They are mentioned four times in the New Testament. They were tent makers from Rome that worked and preached with Paul. The are first mentioned in Acts 18 when they sailed for Syria with Paul and parted company with him in Ephesus. A church met at their home as mentioned in 1 Corinthians. In Romans 16, Paul refers to them as his co-workers in Christ and says they risked their lives for him. In 2 Timothy 4 Paul gives his final greetings, mentioning Priscilla and Aquila again for the last time. 2 Timothy is thought to be Paul’s last book written before his death and he mentions them. To say the least, Paul was very fond of this couple.
I grew up in the church, read the Bible and I’m sure I’ve heard their name once or twice over the years but never gave them any thought. So why am I so intrigued with this couple now? I can use my imagination and fantasize they are a beautiful husband and wife making tents and preaching side by side. I like to imagine they worked near the water, probably because I love the water so much. Maybe when the church met at their home, Priscilla prepared a meal and they prayed together and thanked God for providing for them and protecting them. Maybe their home was big, or maybe it was very tiny. I wonder if the tents they made were of high quality and they were well known for their work. The Bible never mentions if they had children, but they could have had a houseful! Undoubtedly, they both loved Jesus and were probably Christians before they met Paul. The led others to Christ, together. What an amazing marriage and ministry!
I was first introduced to them when I was led to Acts 18 during my prayer time and Bible reading. My Bible is an application Bible so there are highlights of various people throughout the Bible. The highlight on Priscilla and Aquilla was what drew me to them. I loved that they served together, worked together, and I hope they laughed, sang, danced and even cried together. Over the next couple of years, I was led to the other scriptures that mention them. At the time I felt sure there was an “Aquilla” out there for me. I was newly separated and really starting my journey of getting closer to God, studying scripture and learning about the Holy Spirit. I felt like God was leading me to these scriptures because there was an Aquilla, we would minister together and live happily ever after, amen.
Well, that has not happened, and it may not. I was talking with my pastoral counselor this week and she put a different spin on finding my Aquilla. Instead of my Aquilla being a man, could it be Jesus? I can work side by side with Jesus. I can minister side by side with Jesus. I can open my home to ministry side by side with Jesus. I can serve others through my Divorce Care ministry side by side with Jesus. I can serve my patients and coworkers and pray for them side by side with Jesus.
I trust God’s ultimate plan for the rest of my life. He’s got me, he protects me, and I have learned to not question Him. I think that is what Satan wants me to do. To doubt God and his plan for my life. I recently read Amos 4:13:
“He who forms the mountains, who creates the wind, and who reveals his thoughts to mankind, who turns dawn to darkness, and treads on the heights of the earth-
the Lord God Almighty is his name.”
The verse was directed toward the Israelites, but I find it applies to me today. Who am I to question God?
I will continue to be fascinated with this couple who loved God and Jesus and served with Paul. They give me hope that this type of relationship can happen. I do know couples like them that serve together. Maybe I am a little jealous of them if I really admit it to myself. Regardless, I will continue to serve, worship and glorify God and will allow Jesus to be my “Aquilla.”
July 15, 2021
I Trust God’s Plan
I called on your name, o Lord, from the depths of the pit; you heard my plea , “Do not close your ear to hear my cry for help!” You came near when I called on you; you said “Do not fear!”
Lamentations 3:55-57
“Beauty from Ashes,” or “Beauty from Pain” has been my mantra since my separation and divorce. One of the “Beauty” aspects is my new life of service to others. In my previous life, it would have never crossed my mind to paint a stranger’s house, help someone I don’t know move, or work in a garden for a school I am not connected with in any way. Yet this has become an important part of my life. I have met people I have come to know and love that I would not have met had I not divorced. I am not pro-divorce in any way shape or form, but I do recognize this is part of the beauty of my life now. God is putting new, special people in my life that helped me with my healing and now I can share my experience to help others heal.
This past weekend I stepped out of my comfort zone to volunteer a camp for kids that have had people close to them die. Myself and 3 other “Big Buddies” spent the weekend with 7 precious 5th and 6th grade girls. The cabins were a bit primitive but air conditioned, which is vital in the Texas summer. The bunks were close together and many girls and buddies were sharing a minimal number of showers. There was very little sleep. But despite these minor inconveniences, it was an amazing weekend of new friendships, and helping those girls honor the people in their lives they had lost.
My new life of serving others sounds so pretty and wrapped up with a bow. But with all good stories there is a conflict. This conflict came right in the middle of the camp. When I turned my phone on late Saturday night, in came multiple hateful text messages and a tearful phone call. When it was time for me to go to my bunk bed I was distressed. So, I did what I always do when I am distressed, angry or worried now. I turned to scripture. I had brough a small Bible with me in my suitcase. It was not my study Bible that I have highlighted, marked pages, with notes in the margins. This was a Bible in a different version, ESV, I often use as a cross reference to my regular NIV Bible. It is not a Bible I have highlighted or have written notes in the margin. During my daily morning time with God, I ask the Holy Spirit to lead me to scripture that is directed to me, at that time, on that day. That night I asked the Holy Spirit to lead me to a page of comfort, or strength, or anything else to relieve the fear and worry I was feeling at that moment. I opened my Bible and turned to a page, just like I do each morning, and there was Lamentations 3:55-57. What a source of comfort! God was hearing me; he was near and said, “Do not fear!”. Even more remarkable was that this passage was highlighted. I guess I had highlighted it in the past for some reason, but it shown like a beacon to me that night. These were the same words Jeremiah spoke when he was in distress, possibly even being persecuted at the time. The key to Lamentations 3 is that there is hope among the grief…like beauty from pain. Jeremiah prayed for God’s protection just as did I that night. I slept knowing of God’s protection.
The next morning, everyone at camp was exhausted but so happy with how well things had gone that weekend. It was an amazing experience for everyone involved. We said goodbye to our girls, and each other, looking forward to returning next year. I drove away from the camp but was not as elated as I should have been. The conflict of the story was still lingering. I realized the conflict had a name. The name was… Satan. God had already told me he was near and to not fear but Satan is so good at hitting me where it hurts. Satan knows how to push my buttons. I think I am learning to take it as a compliment. My new life of service to others, facilitating Divorce Care and now writing this blog must be part of God’s beautiful plan for me. Satan see me as a threat otherwise he would not be the conflict of my story. As hard as it may be at times, I need to remember that if Satan sends people or situations to distract me from my purpose and cause conflict, I must be headed in the right direction! Beauty from Ashes, Beauty from Pain. I know my life will have more pain, frustration, distraction, annoyance, and the list of life’s disturbances goes on. Paul wrote to the church in Corinth: “However it is written, ‘What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived’ – the things God has prepared for those that love him;” 1 Corinthians 2:9. God has a plan for me, and I know it will be beautiful!
July 8, 2021
I Am Worth Far More Than Rubies
I Am Worth Far More Than Rubies
She is clothed in strength and dignity and laughs at the days to come.
Proverbs 31.25
I remember sitting in church on my first Mother’s Day when my now 20-year-old son was just a few months old. The preacher preached from Proverbs 31. I grew up going to church but did not know the Bible very well at that time. I was greatly offended by the lesson. I remember thinking, “This is impossible! I’ll never be able to do all of that.” I felt like a bad wife that day, like I had not been doing enough. I did not really come to love the scripture titled, The Wife of Noble Character, until just recently. Ironically, it after I was no longer a wife. Verse 10 starts the Epilogue with “A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.” But what if I am not a wife anymore? What is my worth? I was married for most of my adult life, starting at age 19. That was my identity. I didn’t know any different.
At the time of separation, 4 years ago, I thought I would move from my very long-term marriage right into another relationship once my divorce was final. I was looking for someone to save me and make my happy again. My worth, in my head, was being someone’s wife. I’ve had 4 years of separation with 3 being divorced to unpack this with my pastoral counselor. There have many tears shed and a very broken heart in the process. No earthly love story for me, at least not so far. To be honest, I’m even a little apprehensive about it now because I don’t think I could stand another broken heart.
But instead, I have found another type of love story. In this story I won’t have a broken heart. Just a heart full of love – for Jesus. Jesus loves me like no man possibly could. He has been my comforter, my strength, my protector and my provider. He loves me unconditionally and keeps his promises. To Jesus I AM worth far more than rubies!
Proverbs 31 is more than a checklist for what a wife and mother should be doing. It gives me a sense of direction, even as a single woman. Over my bed I have 3 pictures I had made. They are very simple with a white background and cursive writing. They hang side by side. The first one is “SHE opens HER arms to the poor and extends her HANDS to the needy. Prov 31:20.” The second one is “SHE is CLOTHED with STRENGTH and DIGNITY, and SHE LAUGHS with fear of the FUTURE. Prov 31:25.” The third one says. “SHE opens her mouth with WISDOM and the TEACHING of KINDNESS is on her tongue. Prov 31:26.” I went from being highly offended to looking at these verses every time I walk into my bedroom! The difference now is I have a better understanding of God’s love for me and what my worth is based on. My worth is doing God’s work by helping people in need. It is worth far more than my once youthful face and figure that are now aging. My worth is praying for others, whether it’s my family, friends, patients or complete strangers. It is worth far more than wearing the trendiest fashions. My worth is being a faithful Christian example to my kids. It’s worth far more than driving a fancy car instead of my cute little Ford Edge. The lists go on and on.
This morning, during my morning Bible reading, I read from Hosea. Hosea obeyed God and married Gomer who became an adulterous women and wife. And Hosea took her back. He loved her despite her sins. This is such an example of unconditional love as well as being obedient to God. God still loves me despite my sins! What more could I ask for than this unconditional, agape love?
I don’t know what my future holds. I don’t know if I will have an earthly love story, but I do know that God provides love, protection, provision, and so much more. I’ve learned I can make it through life now without a husband, but I can’t make it through life without God’s protection, Jesus’ immense love, and the Holy Spirit’s guidance.
June 30, 2021
The Great Finish
“The glory of this present house will be greater than the glory of the former house,” says the Lord Almighty. “And in this place, I will grant peace,” declares the Lord Almighty.
Haggai 2:9 (NIV)
I’ll admit I have lived in some pretty great towns and houses in my lifetime. My first memory is my early childhood home in Honolulu where my dad was stationed in the Navy. Our house was not fancy, it was Navy housing. I learned on a trip back to Honolulu 30 years later that the housing development had been condemned and destroyed due to lizard infestation – Lizards! I would not recall what fancy was back then, as a girl growing up in the 1970s. I remember my mom’s plumeria tree in the back yard, her beloved rubber plants that had to be cut back every year because they got too tall and interfered with the antenna on the house. I remember the banana trees my dad would cut big bunches of bananas from and hang in our outside closet. I remember all the kids playing out in the middle of the cul de sac and the large tree we took turns climbing. The neighborhood kids loved to take turns watching the Brady Bunch at each other’s houses then running outside to play before it got dark. Back then the house represented peace in my childhood, although I did not know what it was called at the time. I just knew how I felt.
In my adult life, I have lived in large, very grand houses. Some people called them ‘show places.’ I enjoyed living in beautiful houses in nice neighborhoods or out in the county. I have fun memories of entertaining guest, bringing home my babies, and raising my kids in these houses. But what I really desired was peace. There were many times my home on the inside was not as it appeared on the outside.
My home now is not extravagant. It is a small, traditional house. My neighborhood is older, diverse and it is safe to take my nightly walks to the park nearby. I have decorated it with things I love and have even planted a banana tree in honor of those we had in my childhood backyard. It is the first house I have owned by myself. I am now in charge of maintenance, upkeep, and paying the bills, etc. Despite the new responsibility and sometimes stress of being a homeowner, what I do have now is the peace I have been desiring.
The peace did not come the minute I signed the papers for the mortgage or the first night I slept in the house. The peace has been coming slowly over the past 4 years. It has been a crucial part of my healing.
In Haggai, the former house was the Temple that was destroyed by the Babylonian armies. And remember, the former temple was the one Solomon built so it was very grand! What I’ve learned in my life’s journey is that Grand does not equal Peace. This peace comes from knowing God as my heavenly father. This peace comes from my relationship with God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. It is a peace I work at daily. My life changed dramatically 4 years ago but I trust God’s plan for me. I have had extremely hard days and trials. But God has rescued me time and time again. From this, I draw the peace of knowing he will continue to fight for me. I know there will be more hard days and trials to come but I know God will fight for me. I don’t know what the plan is for me or my next path I’ll take, but I’ll wait serving, glorifying and trusting him. He has provided me with this small, oasis of peace in my home. And, I can take this peace with me, in my car, to work, to church, and to opportunities to serve others.
I love the Message version of this verse: “This temple is going to end up far better than it started out, a glorious beginning but an even more glorious finish and a place in which I will hand out wholeness and holiness,” Decree of God-of-the-Angel-Armies
I am going to end up better than I started! I will have a glorious finish! And, I have the God of the Angel Armies on my side.
June 22, 2021
The Greatest Command
1 Corinthians 13:13
So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
My life journey has brought on so many emotions recently. Satan still reek’s havoc on these emotions. He knows my every weakness. “I’m too old,” “No one will ever find me attractive anymore,” “No one will love me.” “No one would ever notice if I never showed up at (fill in blank),” etc., etc. Satan fills my thoughts relentlessly.
When these thoughts flood my conscious, I reach out to God. This morning He brought me to First Corinthians. He reminds me of his love for me and how grateful I am to have the love of others. I am grateful for the love of my family and my abundance of friends. It’s easy to love them back with all my heart. But for those who have hurt me it’s so hard – but I’m working on it daily.
These three: faith, hope and love abide in my life but not at the same level, unfortunately. My faith grows daily through God’s love and constant, evident protection. My hope sometimes wavers until I remember where my hope should be based: on Christ and his return rather than worldly pleasures. But the greatest of these is LOVE. My favorite hymn is the Greatest Command. Since I sing alto, I sing the words: “Love one another, for love is of God. He who loves is born of God and KNOWS God. “ When Satan tries to get the best of me and bring me down (and I know he will keep trying) I will sing this in my heart and LOVE!
June 22, 2021
Banana Tree
God provided me with a house last August. It’s not a big, fancy house but it is a house I love. I have filled it with things I love. These things include special treasures and dozens of pictures that remind me of my kids growing up, growing up with my parents and sister, as well as other special people in my life. I also have newly collected treasures, like the hummingbird picture in my office that makes me smile and the MANY houseplants I have collected from Trader Joes. Now, I have started landscaping my backyard, which was a blank slate, with plants I love. I’ve always loved tropical plants since they remind me of my earliest years in Hawaii, my birthplace. I have a lot of flowers, hibiscus, bougainvillea, cannas, lilies, a palm, and did I mention a lot of flowers? But I really wanted a banana tree. I found the perfect spot, with the perfect sun. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find a banana tree. My boss suggested I order one online. This seemed strange to me, even as an Amazon addict. She insisted it would fine, so I ordered one and it arrived this week! The 3-gallon banana tree was delivered on my front porch in a box. I unpacked it and it was so pretty…but small; not the large tree I was envisioning in my imagination. I planted it, watered it, and gave it fertilizer. I know with continued nurturing and patience; my banana tree will be just what I imagined.
This reminds me of the faith I have nurtured over the past 4 years. When my life changed forever, I knew God and loved God but did not have a RELATIONSHIP with God. I had religion which I learned is vastly different than having an intimate relationship with God. I’ve nurtured this relationship with daily Bible study and prayer. I’ve also nurtured my faith through my daily talks with Jesus and by listening to and being led by the Holy Spirit. My tiny banana tree is my own personal mustard seed!
As the Psalmist wrote in Psalm 92:12: “The righteous will flourish like a palm tree, they will grow like a cedar in Lebanon.” My banana tree and I will continue to grow with patience, love and faith!
June 23, 2021
Beauty from Ashes
I Peter 3:3-4
Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry of fine clothes. 4 Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.
I have a confession…I think all of my friends are beautiful. Some are actually beautiful, breathtaking in fact. But to me it doesn’t matter how society rates their beauty. I know their heart and their inner beauty has made them outwardly beautiful to me and many others that love them as much as I do.
Even after making that confession of how I feel about my friends, I don’t feel that way about myself. In my eyes, I am an aging. single, post-menopausal, and often anxious woman. I have had acne (thanks partly to mask wearing), weight gain and never ending lines on my face. I will admit to spending an obscene amount of money on anti-aging products and supplements. Only a fraction of the clothes in my closet actually fit. I used to be a long distance runner. I’ve run 7 half-marathons, countless 10k and 15k runs. And that was when I was in my 40s. My 50s are a totally different story. My 30 plus years of running have taken its toll on my body. I was once a gym rat but now I avoid the gym as a side effect of Covid. I’m doing good to walk my dog now or attempt a very unflattering session of yoga in the privacy of my bedroom.
My divorce has taken a toll on me physically and mentally over the past 4 years. I try not to dwell on the physical but it’s easier said than done. I recently moved from a small town to a large metropolitan area where it seems everyone is gorgeous. I know that’s unrealistic but if you’ve been to Dallas, you know what I mean. Thankfully, God’s idea of beauty is not the same as mine or our society’s. I don’t wear expensive business clothes with fancy heals to work. I wear scrubs and clogs. While I haven’t parted with my too-small pants in my closet yet, I am starting to buy clothes in larger sizes.
And God loves me anyway.
He loves that I wake early every morning to spend time in his word and prayer. He loves that I will talk of my love of Jesus openly to anyone who will listen to me. He loves that I will tell my patient’s that I will pray for them. He loves that I have learned to spend my money wisely and give back to him whether through tithing or giving to a Christian school in Honduras. He loves that I facilitate a Divorce Care group, paint houses in lower income neighborhoods and volunteer at a grief camp for kids.
When I am feeling down about my self I try to remember that the journey I have taken over the past 4 years has made me so strong. Thankfully, I have many friends to remind me when I can’t seem to remember myself. I wear a different type of beauty now. Isaiah 61:3 says “to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes.” Beauty from ashes has become my mantra. The ashes from my forever changed life is still growing into beauty. Not just physical beauty but the beauty of the life God has planned for me.
Beauty from Pain 