“The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; In his love he will no longer rebuke you, But will rejoice over you with singing.” Zephaniah 3:17
Transparency has always been one of my strengths so I will be very transparent. My life has been so busy the past few months. Family, work, friends, my home have all taken the place of where God should be. I am ashamed to admit I have gone days without opening my Bible. I’ll pick it up on Sunday morning from the place I set it down the previous Sunday when I returned from church. I have not had the desire to write in my blog for months either. Yet, I want to hear God’s voice.
Having grown up in a very conservative church setting, hearing God’s voice is controversial. The churches I attended for 50+ years have a very stoic, very traditional service. I recently started attending different types of churches. There are worship music groups that have changed the way I worship. I love the music so much and feel my soul moving when I sing along. I love to watch others worship and praise God during church. My favorite person to worship with is my boyfriend. It always feel funny to call him that as we are both in our mid 50’s. He loves to worship and praise God. I love how uninhibited he and others are when they raise their hands in praise. As much as I want to, I can’t do it.
This morning I was talking about my experience with a friend who attended the same service at another campus. She said it reminded her of how a child learns to fill a water cup. He starts out with a small pitcher and plastic cup and gradually increases the amount poured until they are able to fill a regular sized glass with a regular sized pitcher. I am currently in the process between the plastic cup and the large glass.
God is taking me through that process right now. It is my journey; to know and worship him without inhibition. I’ve had to open my heart and mind on things I was never taught. I’ve used oils and prayed for demons to leave my home and be replaced by peace. This was NOT something that was done in my childhood home. I was not taught about the Holy Spirit but I FEEL the Holy Spirit within me now. It was something I had to learn and has been part of my journey. I feel the Holy Spirit when I worship now. I’ll sway to the music and hold my hands to my heart but they just won’t go up. I recently found a TicToc video of a woman struggling with the same thing. While it was funny watching her praise in the car but not at church it hit a nerve with me.
Last night I took the more recent steps in my journey. My boyfriend and I attended a Presbytery service at the church we have been attending. I had never attended a service like this where prophets spoke prophetic words to people in the audience. I kept thinking, “Will I get a word? Will God have something special to say to me tonight?” For someone who craves to hear God’s voice, I felt compelled to attend this service.
The service started with worship music. I felt the Holy Spirit in the room like never before. We sang a song called “Make Room.” I think this song was written for people like me, on this journey. I know I can’t be the only one. These are the lyrics that spoke to me:
Shake up the ground of all my tradition Break down the walls of all my religion Your way is better….
Before the end of the song service I was physically on my knees crying. Then the prophetic portion started. I was so completely moved. I kept thinking, am I special enough to get a word? I didn’t get a word from the prophets but I did from my boyfriend. He had texted me a beautiful message from God while I was on my knees. God knew it needed to come from him rather than a stranger. The whole experience left me so confused and emotional. I walked out crying and couldn’t stop crying for almost an hour after. It took me that long to process the experience and understand what I was feeling. I asked God to talk to me through scripture after I returned home last night. He led me to a verse he leads me to often; Zephaniah 3:17. God takes delight in me. I forget that too much. I am his daughter and he loves me. I know my traditional church friends will not understand and think I’ve gone off the religious deep end. But, this is my journey with the Holy Trinity – God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit.
Tonight I plan to attend another presbytery service. If you see me, I probably won’t have my hands up but I may be on my knees again. If you ever see me worship and sing with my hands raised, please come worship with me.
Beauty from Pain 