October 11, 2021
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; Proverbs 3:5
I’m going to admit something that only my closest friends have known about me. For the past 3 months I have suffered from a very depressed state. I have had the symptoms on the checklist; fatigue, inability to concentrate, and sense of worthlessness. I have not written in my blog for weeks, and no one has noticed. I haven’t been to church in weeks, and no one has noticed. I’ve dropped out of a group I had been involved with for a while and no one has noticed. When the occasional person has reached out to me, I have not responded. I have been feeling invisible and unvalued.
I’ve also developed a sense of hopelessness. But why would I feel so hopeless? God has helped me through some very difficult times. He has been my provider, my comforter, my protector, and my counselor. Yet, I cannot shake it and am still struggling with this.
I have thought about what has triggered these feeling. I’ve especially thought about why it has lasted so long. I was used to emotional peaks and valleys. I was proud that my valleys were becoming a shorter duration and they were not nearly as intense as time went on. Until now. One of the realizations that has stemmed from this episode is my lack of trust… in anyone. I had not known I had trust issues. I think it is a fairly recent thing or maybe it has been a cumulative thing that has worsened over time. I lost all sense of trust in a man I was married to for 32 years. I lost trust in friends and family who made promises that they could not keep. I have lost trust in people who have judged me without even attempting to know my story. I have lost trust in our government, but that’s a different topic completely. But most importantly I had lost trust in God. Its no wonder I had a sense of hopelessness.
The Latin word for trust is confido, meaning confidence, assurance, faith, reliance, security. I felt secure in my marriage at once time, for a long time. I felt secure in once valuable relationships that have now ended. And, in the past I have felt secure in God’s plan for me. But recently, I have not even felt that.
I am surrounded by people who have told me that God always keeps his promises. I know that rationally. I’ve told it to others who have struggled with trust. Irrationally, I felt that I was unworthy and that God had other more important things to do and people to take care of than to bother with me and my hurt feelings. I felt I had been put on the back burner.
This past week, I had a heart to heart with God. I had started a Bible Study on Habakkuk. Habakkuk was also struggling and questioning God. In Chapter 1, verse 5 Habakkuk ask God how long he must call for help but he felt like God was not listening. But God was listening. He ANSWERED Habakkuk. He told him to hold on, I’ve got this, and you can’t even imagine what you are going to see.
I want an answer like that from God! If God himself was sitting next to me and answered my pleas, I would trust him. But what I do have is God’s word. And that’s where I went when I was pleading with God to help me with my struggles. I held my Bible in my hand and asked the Holy Spirit to direct me to a passage that He wanted me to see that day. I opened my Bible to Matthew 27. Verse 43 struck me; those that are crucifying our Lord are talking to him as he hung on the cross. They said to him; “He trusts God. Let God rescue him now if he wants him, for he said, “I am the son of God.” Jesus did trust God. He trusted God’s plan for him and for us. He died on the cross. How can I turn my back on that?
There are so many scriptures in the Bible about trust. I can google and come up with my favorites I have read over and over again. I even have a plaque on my bathroom counter with Proverbs 3:5. I bought it years ago to remind me daily to put my trust in him. My eyes don’t even see it anymore as I reach past it for my vitamins or hairbrush. In Psalms 56 vs 3, David wrote, “When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.” David trusted God alone. Jesus trusted God alone. Perhaps it’s my turn to learn to trust God alone.
The day I had my heart-to-heart talk with God has been a turning point for me. I am rebounding slowly. That day, after reading Habakkuk, then Matthew, I prayed to God. I lamented. I cried. Then I heard His words very clearly in my head, “Trust me!” And I answered, “I will God, I will trust YOU!”
Beauty from Pain 