Beauty from Ashes

First Peter 3:3:

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry of fine clothes. 4 Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.

I have a confession…I think all of my friends are beautiful. Some are actually beautiful, breathtaking in fact. But to me it doesn’t matter how society rates their beauty. I know their heart and their inner beauty has made them outwardly beautiful to me and many others that love them as much as I do.

Even after making that confession of how I feel about my friends, I don’t feel that way about myself. In my eyes, I am an aging. single, post-menopausal, and often anxious woman. I have had acne (thanks partly to mask wearing), weight gain and never ending lines on my face. I will admit to spending an obscene amount of money on anti-aging products and supplements. Only a fraction of the clothes in my closet actually fit. I used to be a long distance runner. I’ve run 7 half-marathons, countless 10k and 15k runs. And that was when I was in my 40s. My 50s are a totally different story. My 30 plus years of running have taken its toll on my body. I was once a gym rat but now I avoid the gym as a side effect of Covid. I’m doing good to walk my dog now or attempt a very unflattering session of yoga in the privacy of my bedroom.

My divorce has taken a toll on me physically and mentally over the past 4 years. I try not to dwell on the physical but it’s easier said than done. I recently moved from a small town to a large metropolitan area where it seems everyone is gorgeous. I know that’s unrealistic but if you’ve been to Dallas, you know what I mean. Thankfully, God’s idea of beauty is not the same as mine or our society’s. I don’t wear expensive business clothes with fancy heals to work. I wear scrubs and clogs. While I haven’t parted with my too-small pants in my closet yet, I am starting to buy clothes in larger sizes.

And God loves me anyway.

He loves that I wake early every morning to spend time in his word and prayer. He loves that I will talk of my love of Jesus openly to anyone who will listen to me. He loves that I will tell my patient’s that I will pray for them. He loves that I have learned to spend my money wisely and give back to him whether through tithing or giving to a Christian school in Honduras. He loves that I facilitate a Divorce Care group, paint houses in lower income neighborhoods and volunteer at a grief camp for kids.

When I am feeling down about my self I try to remember that the journey I have taken over the past 4 years has made me so strong. Thankfully, I have many friends to remind me when I can’t seem to remember myself. I wear a different type of beauty now. Isaiah 61:3 says “to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes.” Beauty from ashes has become my mantra. The ashes from my forever changed life is still growing into beauty. Not just physical beauty but the beauty of the life God has planned for me.